It’s the time of year where reflection is at its fullest.
I’ve been thinking about all of the big changes in my life in the last year. It’s kinda crazy. There’s been so many highs and lows…fears created and fears that have been conquered. There’s been so many opportunities given and received, but many of which I neglected to appreciate. There’s been terrifying decisions that needed to be made. New milestones. Lots of sadness. Lots of anxiety. Lots of bad in the world happened. Lost relationships and new relationships. Better relationships. But as I reflect and think about these experiences and memories I’ve had I always seem to remember the goodness and important lessons best. I’ve also realized that self-care and the struggles of cultivating it was a theme.
So here are some thoughts I’ve had…
I’m dating a man who was previously married. And I couldn’t tell you how often I think about his previous marriage. And how often I wonder where he and I are in our relationship. Aaaaand how often it’s really me worrying about a marriage that no longer exists and making it into something that is effecting my current relationship.
I love him. I really do. I can’t help but feel comforted and loved by him. I know I’m going to marry this man. He knows he’s going to marry me. But, why do I feel like it’s never going to happen. Why do I get nervous if his family is going to accept me when there’s already been many clear indications that they’re involving me in the family. I mean, some of the brother-in-laws have already said they think I fit in and mesh well.
What, I’ve gathered from this mess of a person that I can be is that I am impatient and a worrier.
Another thought I had was, I need to give myself a little bit more credit for who I am and what I have accomplished. I am the eldest daughter of immigrants/refugees to the USA. I’m an immigrant and refugee too. (I was born in a refugee camp in Thailand just before my family moved to the United States.) I have my bachelors degree. I have friends, love, and a great support system. I’ve discovered and refined myself. And I understand that refinement isn’t a one time thing. I have a job, home, the power to use my voice because I speak English, and other basic needs. I have lots of great things that my parents wasn’t fortunate enough to have. But I still struggled to see I have strength.
Throughout the year I was always feeling alone. But the funny part is that I wasn’t. And I knew I wasn’t but loneliness was what I felt. There was so many times where my life on paper was pretty great. But I didn’t feel that way.
I have had so many experiences over the last year that has changed me. I’ve achieved some pretty great milestones this year. I have a better understanding of who I am. I continue to learn and grow different aspects of my relationship with Heavenly Father and Christ. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have great family and friends who are there to love me and support me.
I discovered and had a better understanding of what my anxiety and high functioning depression. I further understood how important it is to take care of yourself and take those steps back and nap and take care of yourself. I learned how important it is to surround yourself with good people. I learned to fear less about outwardly expressing your troubles. It is not a burden to share those things to the people who love you.