So, I went on Facebook and saw that my friend got engaged today. And I have mixed feelings. It’s exciting and happy for her. I am happy for her. I also knew it was going to happen because she had shared that they had been talking about getting married. But, the thing is, as happy as I am for her I realize how much this sucks.
What sucks is that I realize she and I have lost touch. What also sucks is that everyone girl friend that I have who has a special someone, gets to be with their special someone but me. And no one has to tell me that it’s because “I’m just bitter”. How could I not be bitter?! Part of it is because I know Logan and I are the best for each other and that we will be married, just not anytime soon. Part of it is because I can’t even hug him…I’m fucking 1,500 miles away from him. She and I have distanced a lot from each other and part of it is because I transferred schools and moved 1,600 ish miles away. I’m also pretty sure I initiated 90% of all of the times we hungout/texted/facetimed in the last 3.5 years. I guess it’s just hard for me to be as happy and supportive as she would like because we honestly don’t have the friendship we used to have. I really don’t know her anymore so it’s hard for me to be as enthusiastic.
This sucks. Part of me is jealous. Part of me is saddened. Part of me is impatient. Part of me feels inadequate. Part of me might just be a terrible person. But, part of me isn’t sorry for any of this because it’s how I feel and I need others to see the reality of the situation instead of just telling me I need to be happy for the newly engaged couple.
I truly am jealous that I’m not getting married anytime soon. And I get that it’s okay that I’m not. I get that it’s different for everyone and maybe some people are supposed to get married in the time that they do and what not. Also that my situation is my situation but all I can feel is the strong sensation of, “this sucks”. I mean it also sucks cause everything at this moment is just reminding me of how much long distance relationships can really suck at times.
But you know, I’m grateful for the great friends (no matter where we are in life and geographically) I do have and the ones who love me most and just know what to say to make you feel better and remind you of what is great without belittling you or making you feel stupid for feeling the way you do.