Day 12

Last night, for whatever reason was really hard. I just couldn’t do life. And needed to take a break and do what I needed to do. Except, I couldn’t. I had a midterm online to do yet. And my computer crashed. Then both Chrome and Firefox crashed. It was a terrible mess, but luckily I was able to restart my test.

In my Art 400 class we had a our normal discussions about the book, and usually there is something little that I always take away. It’s an 8AM class, I’m asleep, it’s a read a book and have a discussion based class. It’s not the worst but it’s good too. This book that we just finished up and talked about today is titled Modern Artists on Art. It’s interesting. One of the things that was brought up in the discussion about making time. The comment that Gerry Griffin (my teacher) had said was directed to the young people, “One of the things you people don’t do, is make enough time to mess up and recover. From anything.”

I had been thinking about this all day. Literally ALL DAY LONG. Young people…me, really don’t give ourselves enough time to recover. I don’t make enough time to be able to do the things I need to, to correct/revise, to recover, to eat, sleep, think, or to breath and just see sometimes. It can really hurt me. I mean last night I just broke down a bit and cried.

This is my last semester of undergrad. It’s exciting, don’t get me wrong. But, I’ve been struggling. My classes need my attention so I get those good grades. I have work and all of those projects, editing portfolios, job search and applications, personal business, projects, and commissions. There’s church, personal scripture study, sleep, eat, social life, trying to get to know Andrew long distance…There’s just so much. All of these are important and are things that I’ve brought into my life, but, I didn’t think about how much it would consume of me. These things piled, but then to have someone I love and absolutely care about just not talk to me [for whatever reason for a day], to just send a little message to me made all of the difference. I’ve already been stressed, lacking sleep, and what not, that not hearing from one of the most important person in my life made me sad. It added to everything. [Though I’ll share this publicly and on my Facebook, he’s probably not going to see it or know he added stress to my day/life.] When I had gone home after work to work on my midterm online, my computer crashed, luckily I could open up the test again but needed to start all over, then Google Chrome crashed. So I opened Firefox, then that crashed. I was able to finish it, didn’t do so hot but I finished it. I cried. I cried so much.

I had been feeling a little bit homesick since I went back to Minnesota/Wisconsin for Valentines day weekend and I’ve felt very lonely at times for whatever reason. I’ve had a serious case of feeling lonely in a crowded room. I was reflecting and noticing the response to people seeing my sadness and frustration and the last few weeks was interesting. This last week I was able to talk, videochat, or text so many of my best friends, dearest friends, loved ones, and some that are thousands of miles away. I am truly loved but feeling it lately has been hard. I think it’s because I don’t give myself enough time.

This song titled Army from Ellie Goulding came up as a suggested video when I opened YouTube tonight and it was kinda great. It was super fitting because it’s a song and video for the people who has helped support her. It makes me think of my friends and the family that has supported me. I am blessed. I am loved. And I am grateful.

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